None of the Above

[ mental ] 2001-05-29

Back home: and feeling bad. Seattle was great, but there were some days I felt cruddy to varying degrees.

Couldn't really even get myself out of bed today - I slept a *lot* and read and just tried to not stress myself out too much. Didn't make it out of the house. Watching tv (TLC, various medical shows) is all I have been able to accomplish. Well, and making one weblog entry, if you count this.

Tomorrow I see the doctor (well okay the nurse practitioner) for my rash that has been worsening for over a month now. The maddening itch is really *really* bugging me now.

Some days it just seems too much to bother. I realize, then, that it's just my own mental state that fucks with my sense of perspective. Somehow this doesn't help as much as I hope that it will.

So for some reason, perhaps so that I can exhibit risk-taking behavior, I am about to attempt to eat some apple crisp that has been sitting in my fridge for far too long. I just can't bear to throw it away, and it looks and smells fine.

Gotta run - the plastic surgery show is back on now, and I want to see the kids who look miraculously closer to normal...

If y'all are lucky, tomorrow I'll be in more of a posting mood. Or unlucky, ha ha.

[ random thoughts ] 2001-05-24

So here I am... in Seattle, having a good time, listening to the cruise ship outside bellow its low, throaty call. Seattle is beautiful, the weather has been wonderful (and nice & cool most of the time), and I've been feeling... well, up and down. Down and up, as the case usually is. I tend to wake up feeling cruddy and then eventually hit what I refer to as the "flipover point" when I start feeling okay & capable and worth more than shit.

Right now I feel good... but I fear the dreaded "double flip", wherein I flip back down to cruddy. Ah well, I think I'll be okay. We've got an entertaining evening planned, should be fun.

For what it's worth, I'll be back in Austin on Monday, for anyone who is eagerly awaiting the return of more regular weblog entries.

[ good ] 2001-05-17

I'm going on a trip: for ten days, to Seattle, to visit Mars. I've been greatly looking forward to this, waiting in eager anticipation ever since I bought the tickets.

So entries here may well be rather sparse, but I'll try to at least make a small one here or there...

I've never been to the Northwest at all, so it'll be quite an adventure for me :).

[ my site ] 2001-05-16

From the box o doom: come two very nice entries that made me feel pretty good (as compared with the nastiness I got awhile back). Here's #1:

:) Just wanted to let you know that I love your site, and your musings, and wish you the best of luck managing the bits and pieces that bipolar can cause. My friend Noah also is manic depressive and I know that often the darkness and the genius go hand in

I'm supposing the word "hand" was left off inadvertently at the end (or perhaps it was "foot" ha ha). Anyway, thank you - it helps to know there are other people who manage to make it through this illness. I am having quite a bit of darkness these days, but it depends on the time of day. When I'm low, I feel incapable of even taking care of myself.

I greatly look forward to the time when this particular depression passes and I can feel "normal" again for awhile (similar to how I've been for the last four years). I'm convinced that getting a good job is part of that recovery, but I have to wait until my summer travel is done with (sometime in July, or else after Burning Man in September). Geez, that's a long time to go without a job. *sigh*. I'll figure something out.

Here's the other bit someone sent via the box o doom:

I found your weblog via davidchess. You're quite amazing. If I were about forty years younger, I'd probably ask you to marry me...

Oh *wow*! I'm totally blushing and utterly flattered. Why, thank you. :) And you realize, of course, that you *can* just send me email if you want to...

I'm kind of floored that someone can think so well of me at a time when I feel so low, like all I do is spew drivel here about how I'm feeling ("I feel good.", "I feel bad.", repeat ad infinitum).

Guess it just goes to show how warped my perspective gets when I'm in the grips of my darker moods. Alas.

Anyway, I'm glad I decided to keep the box o doom. For awhile there when I kept getting nastygrams, I almost decided to ditch it, but I'm glad now that I didn't.

[ beauty ] 2001-05-16

My bowl came out really well: This would be the bowl I made when Daniel and I went to the Ceramic Mug during his visit here. Below are two views of it (click for a bigger image):

I use it to put my jewelry in when I go to bed.

I'm quite proud of how it came out, plus the fact that I was able to settle on a neat design quickly and carry it through just the way I wanted to. :)

[ good ] 2001-05-16

My car has served me well: and the rest of my family, as well. My mother bought it new in 1989, and after she was done with it, it went to my brother, and then eventually it came to me.

It's a green Honda Accord LXi with four doors and a moon roof (oooo ahhh). It's been through a few dents here and there, and many long road trips. It took my on my month-long, 6,000-mile journey that landed me here in Austin, where I got my life back.

See, four years ago, I thought I was just stopping through. I thought I'd say hi to Chris, and also catch David Foster Wallace on his book tour. I did both, and ended up staying when Chris offered me a place to stay on an extended basis.

He probably saved my life - I was depressed and utterly desperate. I had the idea that I was going to go back to Denver and thence to Hawaii - truly a foolish plan, since I didn't have much money or any real plans when I got there.

I'm digressing like crazy. The point is this:

Yesterday my car rolled over 200,000 miles. And I got a pic of it:

Okay, so the pic is *right after* it happened - the ones I took during had an obscured view of the leading "2" (because the speedometer needle was in the way - I was on the highway!).

I've been looking forward to the big flip-over for awhile, and now it's finally here. And I'm left to wonder, how much more does this car have in it? I hope it'll be good for awhile longer. I'm trying to take care of it, get regular oil changes, that kind of thing, so we'll have to see.

I want to go on a big road trip this June and July, so we'll see how well it holds up. At least I have a cell phone and AAA in case something goes awry, though.

[ good ] 2001-05-16

My friend Deborah has a really cool site: and for some reason I never actually went and saw it until today. I really like the design - it's quite beautiful indeed. Go check it out: got lucky dot net. She's got a journal there, too.

[ mental ] 2001-05-16

Not a very good day: in fact, one of those days in which my rear end is plastered to the bed and must be pried loose (requiring repeated attempts to do so).

Deep breath. Tell self, "This too shall pass. It will get better."

World-weariness at a near all-time high. Isolation starting to bug me on a greater level. Hard to find impetus to get *anything* done.

No appetite. My shorts hang loosely at my hips (the same ones I cursed myself for buying because they were too small for me and I never thought I'd fit into them). I forced myself to eat one small bite of leftover sausage, but it was all I could manage.

I want to want to eat, but I'm not to the actual wanting-to-eat stage. This is so odd, so different from other depressions I've been through. Usually I stuff my face with sugar and fat and starch in order to attempt to calm my sadness. Now it just feels like too much bother, and I experience actual revulsion when I try to eat something.

Oh well, if the pattern stays the same, I'll feel better later, once I get out of the house. I hope so, because right now I feel sort of like a useless human being. :( I just want this feeling to stop. And it's not just this feeling, it's the sensation that it's *my fault* somehow, as illogical as that seems.

Time to try to figure out my ride to the airport, and post a couple more weblog entries. Well, okay, at least *one*. Gotta set my sights on something I can actually accomplish.

Oh, yesterday I bought the materials for the adult-sized sit n spin that I want to build. I have no idea when I'll actually get the impetus to build it, though.

Argh. Depression sucks.

[ rants ] 2001-05-14

What's the best tuna? Well, it most certainly *ain't* Chicken of the Sea, that's for sure...

See, I made some a week or two ago, after having strayed from my usual brand due to the more competitive price (hey, I'm trying to learn how to be a tightwad, okay?).

I opened the can of solid white albacore (once you go albacore, you never go back to "chunk light"), and tried to squeeze out the water over the sink, and it didn't work. That is, the liquid stayed inside the can. I don't know what they did, but they broke some rule and I couldn't squish out the water from the meat. The harder I pressed, the higher the velocity of the tiny amounts of tuna-water slurry that *did* ooze out, making a nasty mess.

I finally gave up and decided to just add the mayo anyway. The texture was all *weird*, and it tasted funny, to boot. But I ate it.

So this put me in a mood to wonder about who these Chicken of the Sea people are anyway, these losers who can't create a decent can of tuna that follows the rules.

And what's that name about, anyway, Chicken of the Sea? What the hell? Who came up with *that* one, I wonder? I mean, what is it about tuna that supposedly makes it more like chicken, than, say, sea bass?

And this begs the question - if tuna *is* the chicken of the sea, what does this even *mean*? Does it mean that other things supposedly taste like tuna? What kind of a comparison were they going for?

And okay, let's assume that tuna *is* the "chicken of the sea", whatever the hell that means.... does that make chicken the "tuna of the barnyard"??

If I hadn't been so personally annoyed by the misbehavior of that can of tuna, I would never have questioned that goofy product name...

And since Starkist has consistently served my tuna needs well, I will cut them some slack and not care too much that their name doesn't make much sense either. (Kissed by stars? Like, sea stars? Is this some interspecies love thing or something? I don't get it...)

[ mental ] 2001-05-14

And so, the clouds part... and the sun shines, and I feel remarkably better. It's so odd, these drastic shifts in mood and worldview, going back and forth every day (and sometimes several times within a day).

I had a little nap right before I went to visit Elena, and it was a really good visit. I was in a pretty good mood, and it got better as the evening wore on.

When I got back, I cut out the fabric for a simple tunic top and pinned the first part of it while watching tv.

I watched a medical show on The Discovery Channel about reconstructive surgery, and I could tell my mind's possibility engine was humming along smoothly because I started thinking about going back to school and becoming a nurse. (I know better than to think that this would be something that persists, but it's worthy of note that I thought of it and believed in the idea, at least for a little while).

This was a nice contrast to earlier in the day where life itself seemed like nothing but a huge burden.

It's hard, flipping back and forth across the gap - when I'm strong, I try to think of ways to reassure the weak self that's coming up around the bend, and *it never works*. Argh! This feeling of self-assurance is bittersweet because it's so fleeting, and I know that anxiety awaits me tomorrow morning.

You know what really sucks about the anxious moods? The feeling that I should be able to do any and every task in this world. I think of everything I see, read, and hear in terms of "no, I couldn't do *that*". Why do I even *care* whether or not I could? It's so bizarre. Brains are such aggravatingly irrational creatures sometimes.

Of course, when it's an irrationally *good* mood, I don't complain much. :)

I can see why bipolar people are sometimes tempted to phase-shift their sleeping patterns (as my psychiatric nurse warned me). I feel so horrid in the mornings and so great in the evening, that it seems like a natural solution to stay up late and sleep as late as possible.

Ah, well. I'll see what tomorrow brings. I might even be moved to comment on something other than my mental state. Guess I'm boring the piss out of everyone by now, eh? It's even grating on *my* nerves, too. But it's hard to think of much else when it's clobbering me over the head, repeatedly, on a daily basis.

As things stabilize, relative normalcy should return... I hope.

[ mental ] 2001-05-14

The word for today is: bleak. Everything feels that way, and even though I realize that it's just some weird combination of neurotransmitters in my head, it *feels* real. Argh.

But I'm keepin' on keepin' on. It will get better than this. But first, I will take a nap.

It's hard to make myself eat in the early part of the day, before the munchies strike. It takes effort to eat each bite.

Blah, I feel cruddy. Just wanna curl up and rest for awhile. Feeling lonely. Later on I'll get to spend time with Elena & Spencer, and it will feel better.

I did get two major things accomplished today - I got my prescriptions and did the title & registration thing for my car. So I need to not be so hard on myself.

But it's hard - this self-questioning anxiety is like a runaway process in my head. I just have to keep telling myself: I will be okay. I am not alone. I will get a job. I am a worthy person. I will feel better. I will fix my life. I will find the courage to go on. It won't always hurt this much.

It won't always be this bleak.

[ rants ] 2001-05-12

There's nothing like a Myst game... to make you feel stupid. Well, okay, I don't feel like a *total* idiot, but still...

I found (DEAD LINK) this lovely site with a bunch of stuff all about Exile, (including the fact that disc 1 is sorta messed up and you can order a replacement from the vendor) and I see that someone's already got (DEAD LINK) a walk-through going. Gah!

Here I am stuck at a puzzle that I should theoretically be able to figure out, yet I can't. Argh! I see that someone else on the message board stuck there was able to get through with a mere hint of: "In these sheets, you find instructions to operate the elevator!!! But you need to interpret them the right way now".

Wtf? I've got the guy's notebook, and I see funky diagrams, but I have no idea how they're supposed to be interpreted - they look like they might be dates or something. Ah, well. I can always use a bit o the walk-through...

I hope the game doesn't go *poof* on me again like it did yesterday - I figured out something clever, then it dumped me out of the game with no errors, nothing. Go figure. Anyway, I'm off to play some more. :)

[ mental ] 2001-05-12

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen... and welcome to the Three Ring Circus! That's what I call my triumvirate of medications, now. In addition to the Zyprexa I was already taking, I'm now on Depakote and Prozac.

Okay, so yes, I *do* consider this complex combination to be somewhat daunting. But lemme tell ya, I'll take "somewhat daunting" over what I felt a couple days ago *any time*. It's a bargain, really.

I feel pretty good this morning, lots of get-up-and-go energy, with just a bit of anxiety (which I fight with my personal mantra: "I will get a job. It will be okay."). There are many things I want to get done today, but I probably won't get them all done, and that's okay.

I want to go see a movie at the discount cinema (The Mexican, if you must know), get a little shopping done, get a little exercise, play some Myst, read, that kind of thing. Oh yeah, and sewing... and playing my guitar a bit...

[ mental ] 2001-05-11

This morning is not so bad... not compared to yesterday, that is. Yesterday was horrid. Today is okay with a tinge of yucky.

Still no appetite in the morning. I guess I can force something down, but I have little enthusiasm. I have lots of errands to do before I go to my appointment with the nurse.

Of all the many things that this disease does to me, one of the worst is the creeping dread I am filled with even when I'm in a good mood - I fear for the time when it will end and I'll feel... like I did yesterday, when it took all my resources just to get through the day.

But I did it. I made it. And today I'm going to get more help (I hope).

Yesterday, I managed to get myself out the door to take a walk around the block, and so there I was, wandering through suburbia, sobbing with my little water bottle tethered to a purple strap across my shoulder. I must have been quite a sight...

And as I walked and cried, I thought to myself: for me, and everyone like me, who suffers from this kind of crippling depression, getting out of the house and walking around the block is *heroic*. And so I gave myself credit for being a hero.

Because you *never know* how much it takes out of someone, just to get up in the morning. You never see how huge of a hill they have to surmount to do it... People who've never felt this way are extremely privileged. Sometimes they are unable to feel compassion for those stuck in the pit, which is a pity.

I'm rambling. The point is that yesterday felt like taking a month of the worst depression I've ever felt and distilling it down to half a day. It sucked. It burned. It made me want to jump out of my skin, because being *in* my skin was such an awful place to be. But somehow I got through it. I don't want to have to do it again, though. I really hope today is better, and that I can get help to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Some days I wish I could fly away...

[ beauty ] 2001-05-10

Myst III is gorgeous: And it's fun so far, too. I have only played for one evening while Mars was visiting, so far.

We got through one puzzle (beautiful and ingenious, of course), but then we got sort of stuck, or too tired to continue, take your pick.

With the Myst games, I've always had to cheat and look at on-line hints to be able to win. I hope I don't have to this time, but I think it's likely. Ah, well. As long as I enjoy the experience of playing the game...

[ humor ] 2001-05-10

One from the vaults, part three: Way back when I was at the University of Colorado, I went to Josh & John's Ice Cream Parlor quite a bit. They had this cool punch-card system whereby you earn a free cone for having 15 punches in your card.

I found one of the cards the other day... the coolest part is that if it was cold and/or snowing, you got extra bonus punches. Check it out:

So if you went out and bought a cone when it was below zero and snowing, it came out to a buy-one-get-one-free deal! Pretty clever marketing idea, I think.

[ mental ] 2001-05-10

Rough morning: rougher than my current usual, that is.

Felt horrid. Called Mom (& sister). Felt better. Still not quite up to "okay", though.

Made appointment for tomorrow with the nice lady who gives out medicines that help me feel better - I think I need *something* for the crushing anxiety.

Organized clothes with agitated energy. Leaving the dishes for later.

Feeling jittery - I wake up with low blood sugar lately, yet with no appetite. Go figure. As the day wears on, my appetite increases.

Might go see a movie today. Will probably play Myst some today. Might practice guitar before my lesson (haven't really practiced since my last lesson). Don't really feel like exercising today.

Wish I could just take a nap, but it might not work - restless agitation could take over again.

Eyes sting from tears earlier. Mind stings from everything.

I need a job, any job, soon. But I have to wait until I get back from my upcoming trip to Seattle.

Don't feel like writing much now, but I'll do one more weblog entry at least.

[ mental ] 2001-05-08

The mood goes up, the mood goes down: ... the mood is spinning all around. (sung to the tune of "The Ball Goes Up", from ancient Sesame Street episodes in my youth).

It's a rollercoaster whirlwind thing these days. My mornings are typically quite anxious, though it's been getting better day by day. Sort of. Mostly.

Essentially, it's like having your whole perspective on your life whacked with a baseball bat. Repeatedly.

Just how sure I am of myself depends on what time of day it is. This bites. I know I'll get through it, that someday I'll feel truly "normal" (whatever the hell that is, anyway).

Getting a job will help. I must get a job. I cannot get a job *yet*, however. But I can work on my resume, and on my thirdhand project as something to point to and say "lookee! I did that!".

But today is not a day for coding. Today is a day for reading and taking a nap, and then for playing Myst III: Exile later on.

I managed to deal with the insurance hassles earlier today. Yippee for me! You wouldn't believe how much it took out of me to make a simple phone call. You'd find it impossible to fathom that something so miniscule could cause the level of anxiety and pure white-hot terror that it inflicted on me.

And I tell you: be *glad* that you don't know how this feels. It sucks. Literally, it feels as though my strength is sucked out of me, like the wind from my sails.

And somehow, each day, I get up. I do something productive, even if it's a small thing. And I feel better once I cycle into the next phase, where suddenly all is well and I feel okay. Not euphoric, just okay. And I am rid of the horror for a few sweet hours. Then it comes back, but weaker, then it goes again, and eventually I feel kind of "blah"...

It never seems so awful when I'm feeling good, but when I'm in it, it grips the very core of me, and it's all I can do to avoid curling up in bed. But even that doesn't work - I seem to get more anxious at the idea of staying in bed too long. Go figure.

I'm rambling now, oh well. Time to go read & nap, and I hope it feels good...

[ humor ] 2001-05-08

One from the vaults, part two: A loooooong time ago, back when the grocery store had an entire aisle full of generic stuff (remember the plain black & white packaging?), I bought some generic postcards. These were actually pretty cool, and even funny. Luckily for my dear readers, I happened upon the last one that I had miraculously saved, wrinkled though it is from its mistreatment.

the front

the back

(click for a bigger image)

Now, life in Genericland was probably not too exciting for a designer, but somehow, this postcard idea got through. Somehow, someone with a sense of humor was put in charge. And somehow, I saved the darn thing for future generations to enjoy. :) So smile, dammit!

[ beauty ] 2001-05-07

One from the vaults, part one: One of the great benefits of going through your old stuff is finding things that you'd thought were lost forever...

And so it was with this photo of a crow:

click for a larger version.

This was probably taken by my father, likely sometime in the sixties. I set it aside years ago when I was going through old pictures, and I sorely missed it when I wasn't able to find it again. The other day, it magically reappeared inside an envelope inside another envelope inside a box of old papers that I finally went through. (I put off going through those papers because it was, as I feared, heart-wrenching in various ways).

This crow may figure prominently in the redesign of my weblog (forthcoming whenever I feel like it)... then again, it may not.

[ beauty ] 2001-05-07

Alphonse Mucha was a great painter: who I had never heard of, until recently, when Mars mentioned he bought a poster of Mucha's work "Gismonda".

Mucha's other work is just gorgeous, too, and it's nice to occasionally discover wonderful new (to me) artists - there are some other promising ones for me to check out at that site, too. It even includes some of Maxfield Parrish's work - I've admired his paintings for a long time.

[ random thoughts ] 2001-05-07

Today was a busy stuff-sorting day: And I made *huge* amounts of progress, which feels really good. What does *not* make me feel good is the fact that my HMO coverage seems to have disappeared for no valid reason. I received the papers about continuing my medical coverage, and sent them in along with a payment for two months' worth of coverage, but apparently something went wrong somewhere. I am not relishing the hassling I will have to go through to get things set right. Ugh. Somehow, I'll manage, though.

And I found out that the coverage went *poof* right as I was about to pay for my new prescription - it was going to be $153 out of pocket - ouch! I decided to wait rather than endure the horror of having to try to get them to reimburse me later on. Grr. Sigh.

I worked out today, which was good, and got in the hot tub afterwards. Then I suddenly realized that it could be that the Mystery Irritant that's giving me a low-level skin rash these days is from the hot tub. Maybe it's chlorine that's causing this problem. Damn, that would be aggravating if it's true, but at least I'd know what it was. This theory seems to fit well with the onset of the problem - I'll see if skipping it for awhile makes things better. It's also possible that the lotion I usually use afterwards is the culprit. We'll see.

Down-again-up-again moods are still with me, but are getting a bit easier to handle overall. I think I'll feel better once I have a job, though it'll have to wait until I'm done with my summer traveling.

And speaking of new jobs, Mars is in town to get started with his new company. Getting to see him in the flesh again pleases me greatly. :) Alas, this is a short visit, and we don't get to see each other during the day. But when I go see him in Seattle next month, things will be better, since he'll be working at home.

[ family good ] 2001-05-06

I'm an Auntie (again)! My sister Kathy just had her baby yesterday, a wee bonnie lass named Isabella. I haven't seen pictures of her yet, but in about half an hour there will be a webcast-thingie that they're doing from the hospital, so I imagine that I'll see her then.

Everyone is doing well, but of course they're exhausted. My sister made it through her labor without pain meds, even though she had pitocin! Wow! I'm so glad everything went well for her.

Sometime in July, I'm planning to head up to visit her (in California) so that I can help her out for about a week. It will be a lot of fun, I think.

[ mental ] 2001-05-06

Wobbly here and there is how I feel: By which I mean sometimes chaotically thrown into a sucky mood. This tends to occur right when I wake up. It's very frustrating, to say the least.

I managed to get up and get two hours of stuff-sorting done, which helped a bit but not much. Talking to my roommate Chris did help, however. Either that or I was due for an upswing anyway.

I hope to be in a stable equilibrium soon. Recovering from what I've gone through is very hard work and extremely mentally taxing. It's hard sometimes to have the confidence that I will feel better.

But soon enough, my mood tips up, and I feel okay again. I just wish the down parts didn't make me fear that they will last forever. :/

[ books mental ] 2001-05-04

For those who are particularly curious about bipolar disorder: The nurse I saw yesterday gave me an excellent guide about it, which just so happens to be available on the internet (in pdf format). So if you're a family member or friend or just an interested anonymous reader, you might want to check it out - it's got some useful information for those who are close to a bipolar person such as myself.

I bought a book she recommended as well - it's titled "An Unquiet Mind, a Memoir of Moods and Madness" (*). I look forward to the insights I expect the book to offer...

* I tried to get an Amazon link to the book, but I'm getting a 404 on www.amazon.com at the moment. Hahahahahhahahah! That's pretty rare. I wonder how much money they're losing per minute due to whatever the problem is.

[ mammalog mental ] 2001-05-04

I'm 3 for 3 on the waking-up-feeling-crappy thing: Today wasn't quite so bad as the previous two days. Or rather, not in quite the same way. :/

I woke up feeling... agitated a bit. I hadn't gotten to bed until relatively late, so I wanted to sleep in to make up for it. So when I went *sproing* and burst into full wakefulness at like 7:40am, I made a firm decision that I would go back to sleep.

This is not as easy as it sounds, for someone with a mind state like mine was right then. I tried my various techniques for slowing down my thoughts. My biggest one is simply this: I count to 100, using each breath I take to set the pace. What was odd this morning is I could count *and think of other stuff* at the same time. I can't usually do that, not so bloomin' clearly, anyway. I usually have to start over repeatedly with the counting, because my thoughts carry me away from it, and I can't remain mindful enough of the counting not to lose track.

But anyway, so I got all the way to 100, and started counting some more, and felt things calm down a bit. It worked, partially. It was still hard to get back to sleep - I had to try to keep myself from thinking of stressful things. With mixed success.

Then I had a strange dream, which ended in a bit of a melancholy way, and left me in a very sad mood when I got up. In the dream, I was with Spencer and Elena and other relatives and people at a big... outdoor bazaar thing, or zoo. (It was all amalgamated, the way things in dreams can sometimes be). Right before I woke up was a part in which I could see Spencer and Elena in front of me, and I kept trying to catch up with them, but I never could. :(

Not too hard to figure out what that means... So I'm wondering if I should just... spend some time writing out everything I feel about it, get the feelings out, cry like crazy (*) if necessary. I've got some grieving work to do, I think. Things will never be the same. On some levels I've been able to let go, but on the deeper levels I'm not there yet. I'm not sure how long that will take. It may never really be finished. Tough and aggravating, I know, but I suppose that this is what we sign up for when we decide to have children - the possibility that we may lose them someday, to one degree or another.

And it's all twisted, too - do what degree have I lost her? The degree to which I perceive that I have. :/. I cling to two things: the knowledge that it will be better in the future (that is, I'll get to see her more), and the knowledge that she is doing well and is well cared for.

I also just have to give myself permission to feel however I feel - even if it's all mixed up, one way in the morning, and another way in the afternoon. Uncertainty is often the hardest pill for me to swallow, yet in this case I have managed to do so, with a relatively good attitude, I think (though not at first, certainly, but who can blame me, blindsided as I was...). She will always be my daughter. I need to make sure that she *always* knows that I love her. In the future will be open doors that I cannot even fathom yet, and I need to trust that they'll be there, and that I'll make the most of things to continue to forge the best relationship that I can with her.

I've thought about writing her letters, about what's going on, what I'd tell her if she could understand. I think I may do that, as a personal exercise to get my feelings out...

* it's easy to forget how often in passing conversation we use references to insanity for emphasis. But now, I hesistate when I do so - having actually *been* crazy, I can't quite use the words so casually, or at least there is a big pause now. I consider, then sometimes decide not to make the analogy, and sometimes decide to make it... as a show of defiant normalcy, I guess.

[ beauty books good ] 2001-05-04

Hey, how come I don't have a category for music? Geez, that's quite an oversight... Anyway, last night I had the first guitar lesson of my life, and it was *extremely* cool. I got there late (bs traffic), but all was cool once I arrived. I was even feeling a bit bad by the time I arrived, my most-of-the-day good mood having finally dissipated, but once we got started and started talking, I felt much better. :)

My teacher is Scott (aka VanDweller), a brilliant fellow with whom I've been exchanging email for many months now. He lives on his own land near (in?) Wimberley, in a big blue van. Scott also makes guitars, and works in the music shop, among other things.

He's (quite) a bit further down the Path than I am, and gracious enough to assist me along in my journey. He's been a great source of wisdom for me, and now I get to learn music from him, too!

I got a copy of his book when I saw him, and one of his cd's too (which I'm listening to now, and it's *great*!). We talked for a long time after the lesson (well okay, before/during/after), and then went out to a big truck stop on I-35 to have really huge delicious omelettes. It was a wonderful evening, and I got home exhausted and fell right into bed.

I've got a lot of cool new stuff to learn before my next lesson. It's nice to know that I have something so enjoyable to do now, an additional coping strategy when I'm feeling frazzled or down or panicky...

[ books ] 2001-05-04

Baboons can give us insight into ourselves: at least when it comes to looking at social stresses and things like that. The Atlantic has a big interview with Robert Sapolsky, a researcher who's written a new book about baboons. It looks quite fascinating, and he seems to be quite a brilliant fellow.

[ good mental ] 2001-05-03

I had a very nice appointment: with the psychiatric nurse. She was great! So, officially now, I am bipolar. Eek.

She gave me a sheet to read about it, and recommended a book written by a bipolar doctor. So I'm feeling quite good at the moment, gently above the middle line (whereas I was below it earlier).

I am happy that she was willing to decrease my medication dosage by half. I'm that much closer to being rid of it altogether...

Right now I'm confident of my ability to deal with the down, panicky moods. I know it'll feel differently when I'm in the next one, though. This whole cycling thing is really lame, I hope it dampens down soon and settles into a nice, stable pattern.

It was a little freaky waiting for my appointment, though - there was a young girl, maybe 13 years old, absolutely distraught because apparently her parents were trying to commit her. She was yelling at her mother on the phone, saying she wasn't going to go, and that nobody understood her. It was very sad to listen to. :(. She eventually ran off, she got so upset. I wonder what happened to her? I hope she's okay. Damn, that's young to be hating your life that much (she had apparently said she wanted to kill herself at one point). When I realize the horrible things other people have to go through, it helps me to realize just how fortunate I am.

Now, if I can just keep this confident, strong feeling I've got going. The thing is, even when I'm feeling bad, I'm able to get out of bed, get things done, and somehow cope... I just hope it gets easier.

I was realizing something earlier: I *am* working. I'm working on my recovery, which is a pretty huge task. I guess if you haven't been through a wringer similar to this one, it can be hard to understand just how difficult it is to put your mind back together after it's been blown apart.

So I gave myself credit for doing something very difficult, under difficult and stressful circumstances. I'm really doing a fabulous job, and I'm very proud of myself. :) Of course, I've got a lot of good help, which makes it somehow bearable.

What it amounts to is remaking myself. I was sort of in the process of doing that anyway, but then I totally flipped my lid, which ... added all kinds of new difficulties, but also gave me some new tools, and interesting strengths. I'm not the same person I was two months ago, and yet, I am. I've broken through a lot of barriers, and faced all kinds of challenges I never would have imagined that I could deal with. And I've done it all under really unstable circumstances... Wow.

So this means (I hope) that once things settle out, I'll *really* be in a good position. What a lovely prospect! And of course, I get to keep the new strength I have found, the new perspectives and wisdom, the friendships that have deepened through this struggle, and a basic trust in myself that I can handle things.

I have struggled for so long for these things, and now they're within my grasp... I need to remember this when I'm down. I will.

[ mental ] 2001-05-03

Waking up feeling like crap really sucks... and it happened both yesterday and today. Yesterday I combatted it by drinking lots of tea (yea, caffeine!) and talking to a friend who helped cheer me up. Then I gave myself a good talking-to as well.

Today has been more mixed. I got some stuff-sorting done (now only one bin of old baby stuff I can't bear to part with, instead of several boxes. Yea!), and I've been reading weblogs 'n' stuff, eating a little, drinking tea, and feeling sort of mixed.

Ahh, whatever. The yucky feeling I feel is this... panic about aimlessness, about not having a job, really. I oscillate back and forth between feeling good and feeling terrified. I realize it's all chemical, but it's still tough to deal with when I'm on the downside.

But, I *am* learning coping strategies. I have good friends to talk/write to when I'm feeling down, I am able to get off my ass and do worthwhile things like organize my stuff or go work out. And this whole talking-to-myself thing that I came up with yesterday does seem to have some benefit to it.

So I'm really not that badly off. I just wish I could banish this visceral unpleasantness once and for all! It starts in my heart, which I can feel all jumpy and agitated, and then it spreads, to my arms or even up my neck to the area around my ears.

The trick is not to mind it too much, to not let it get in the way of doing whatever I need to do that day. I've also got to balance all sorts of things - not be too hard on myself, yet not be too lazy. I've got to have some things planned, but not so many things that I get all frazzled. Today is stressful because I have an appointment with a nurse about my mental health treatment, and my first guitar lesson. I know it will be fine, but I get these flushes of panic which are just bullshit and I wish they would just go away!

I'm getting better and better at dealing with it. I guess it's just the aftermath of the really bizarre brain-states I had been going through. It takes awhile to get back to fully "normal" when you get thrown that far out of whack. And what is "normal" anyway, but just another illusion, wherever you settle yourself at a stable point that you can live with?

Ideas of myself keep cycling and changing, but there is a stable core that remains, an image of who I want to be, and of who I know I *can* be. I just have to relax, and let things ride for awhile, get my stuff done, and look towards the future with a variety of possible plans. Which is what I'm doing.

This is tough, though. Every day. I gotta give myself credit for doing so well, really. Sometimes I'm just on the verge of tears and I want to curl up in a ball and not do *anything*. But I get up. I do something productive. I keep my room tidy. I treat myself right. I'm on the right track, I just have to not lose sight of it.

The conquest of Fear can be the toughest conquest of all. Because what it really is, is the conquest of a part of yourself.

[ weblogs ] 2001-05-03

Another one for the list: when I get around to editing it, that is: geegaw.

[ body food ] 2001-05-03

Appetite oddness: Not that it's really a *problem* or anything, but I've noticed my appetite is extremely truncated lately. I mean, I've been eating less on purpose, to try to lose some of this extra weight I've been accreting over the years.

So I've been turning down the "appetite" knob for weeks, with a pretty amazing amount of success, come to think of it. But today, when I decided I needed to eat some leftover green beans, I found it hard to keep eating them. I mean, they were good, but my appetite just wasn't there much.

This is... different from how I usually am. Was. Whatever. I used to stuff my face repeatedly, with sugar and starch. Now I hardly touch the stuff. I grab lean meat when I'm hungry, if possible, or some kind of vegetable. Or some cheese, or milk. Sure, I munch a few crunchy things here and there, but it's relatively rare and minimized. Hmm.

I got on the scale today and was finally under 170. Cool! Guess I should eat more before I vanish into nothingness. :) Bwahhahaha, don't worry, I won't. It *was* nice to realize that my tummy is a bit flatter than it was just a few days ago...

[ humor ] 2001-05-03

This is strangely amusing: The Museum of Depressionistic Art satirizes all kinds of interesting art pieces. I particularly like the one titled, "All Your Bass Are Belong To Us".

[ quotes ] 2001-05-02

A trio of quotes: for your amusement and edification:

1. David Chess:

There are so many hard questions, and the way to be wrong is so often to think that there's an answer.

He's referring to education, but I find this to be quite applicable generally. A true Nugget Of Wisdom, even.

2. The Bodhisattva Vow, from the book Spiritual Midwifery:

The deluding passions are inexhaustible.
I vow to extinguish them all.
Sentient beings are numberless.
I vow to save them all.
The truth is impossible to expound.
I vow to expound it.
The way of the Buddha is unattainable.
I vow to attain it.

3. A snippet from a recent email exchange between myself and Daniel, taken out of context (and the context is actually worse than one might suppose):

> How does an ATM card get into a bra, anyway?
The same way other assorted objects get there - someone *puts* them there. Which is what I did, because it seemed important at the time.
Of course, when I inserted the card into the ATM machine, it was promptly eaten. So I can only assume it was magic of some sort that returned the card to my bra later on.
Either that, or I misremember. Since I was completely nuts at the time, this is not too far-fetched.
But hey, I kind of like the idea of a universe in which ATM cards magically reappear in bras, don't you?

Is it somehow wrong for me to mine my recent trip to la-la-land and back for humorous (I hope) material?

[ beauty ] 2001-05-02

Ooo, pretty functions! Reading Kottke today, which I basically never do, came across this little bitty web page which has gorgeous little animations of funky functions. Sort of hypnotic to watch them oscillate around.

[ good ] 2001-05-02

Myst 3: Exile comes out May 7th And it looks hella cool! :) I know what I'll be doing that day...

Their site looks pretty cool, too, although I don't want to find out too much about it before I get it. I like the anticipation of uncovering everything about it once I have it in my hot little hands.

[ cognition ] 2001-05-02

Resolving ambiguities is more complicated than you might think... and it's currently beyond most computer-driven language parsing, as this intriguing article points out. It also goes into some detail about how to get around this problem, and a bit about how humans deal with it.

I have my own ideas on the subject, about which I will expound at a later date...

(via David Chess's Log).

[ beauty ] 2001-05-02

Wow, what a quilt! Via genehack, which I'm catching up on, is this amazing array of quilt square designs generated with perl, and the real-world manifestation of it. I am awestruck...

[ beauty ] 2001-05-01

Symbols with odd symmetry: are something I really enjoy. I happened upon one very interesting one when catching up on reading David Chess's log. He linked to The Laboratorium, and I wandered to a piece there that has a cool symbol in its upper-left corner. Go check it out if you're into that kind of thing, or if you want to read what the piece is about (a humorous mission log from the International Space Station).

I used to make all kinds of odd symbols for fun, (and still do from time to time) and most of them that I settled on ended up with odd symmetry once I had refined them. I'll scan 'em one o these years...

Oh, that reminds me, Mars Saxman has an absolutely delicious oddly-symmetrical symbol at the bottom of his weblog. I saw that one and immediately loved it and coveted it. Luckily for me, he was gracious enough to let me co-opt it for my business cards.

[ quotes ] 2001-05-01

A fortune... from when I had lunch with Daniel, David Chess, and Ian Whalley in New York last month:

You make people realize that there exist other beauties in this world.

I hope that's true. I'm hanging on to this one, I like it.

[ body mental movies random thoughts ] 2001-05-01

Busy day... I went bowling (and did better than my average on both games, woo woo!), worked out, saw the movie Traffic, went bra shopping, and picked up the ceramic pieces from The Ceramic Mug.

The workout was quite nice - I used the newer-model EFX machine at the health club, and pushed myself rather hard. My heart is getting so wonderfully healthy - I kept the strides per minute in the 150s and 160s almost the whole time (better than the 140s and 130s I used to do). What a great feeling! I was so strong through the whole workout, feeling really good and powerful.

Afterwards I lifted a little bit, then went into the big hot tub. Today had a special treat for me: the people in the AquaFit class in the pool serenaded me. The class is a water fitness class that is typically attended by older people, though it is by no means limited to them. They sang songs like "O What A Beautiful Morning" and "Yankee Doodle Dandee" during one part of their workout as they jogged in place in the water while they held on to water noodles. It was quite lovely to listen to, as they sang quite well and the sound carried and echoed through the pool room. Of course, they weren't really singing just for *me*, but I enjoyed it immensely just the same.

It made me wonder what songs me and my compatriots will be singing when we're old and gray and doing water fitness classes. :)

I then went and saw Traffic, which was great as everyone told me it would be. This is only the second movie I've gone to see in the theater by myself. It was fun, but by the time the movie let out, my mood was kind of down...

I just got home, and I don't feel like doing much this evening, even though I'm still agitated about all my stuff all over the place, among other things. I feel like I'm juggling so many things in the air, and not doing a very good job of it. I've got too many irons in the fire, or rather, they're getting cold because I'm not actually keeping them in the fire.

I'm worried that I'll run out of money, and that I can't think about getting a job until after Burning Man, because no job would dream of letting me have vacation that soon. Perhaps I'm being silly. This is actually quite likely to be true. :/ Part of the mood I'm in now, I guess.

I'm thinking of doing a more journal-oid or diary-like web page thingie, in addition to the weblog. Of course, then I'd have to actually do weblog entries that are about the web or something, instead of any inane thing that pops into my head.

Speaking of which, I'm not even hardly on the net anymore. I read my email once a day and that's about it. And I update this irregularly, with irregular entries. :) But seriously, I don't even read my favorite weblogs anymore - I'm so out of the current. Argh. I need to manage my time better. I need to relax, and not sweat it so much. I need to write more, and tell more of the story of the strange yet beautiful things that I thought were true when my brain was a bit off-kilter. Some of it was too far out there, but other parts of it are like a kind of poetry, a way of tying together strings of meaning that run through the universe. Sometimes I can still see glimpses of it, which is nice. I'm able to keep it in perspective now, which is a Good Thing. I see it now as something interesting to muse about, not as the be-all-end-all Truth Of The Universe.

I'm sort of on a rather long self-imposed vacation right now, yet I'm not really able to relax... I hope tomorrow is a good day, with less down moodage.

[ mammalog ] 2001-05-01

I finally found a bra that fits! and I'm feeling most triumphant about it. I tried on about four bras last week (none of which fit), and about seven today.

Finally, I achieved what seemed impossible: something that supports without squishing or digging into me, and that fits my sorta-in-between-cup-sizes breasts.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me, it's a major accomplishment. It was difficult to find bras that fit me before, but now, post-weaning, it's even worse! Plus the whole saga of going to try on bras is difficult for me to handle (sensitive skin is part of the story).

Anyway, I thank the fine people at Bali for creating something that I can wear out of the house without embarrassment. Hallelujah.

JC Penney is having a bra sale for Mother's Day that lasts until the 12th, so I'll go to the one at the mall near me and hope that it has a larger selection than the one I went to today. I need a couple more, that's for sure...