None of the Above

[ books good ] 2002-09-27
A Thousand Ships: is the title of the new graphic novel I'm reading, which is the birthday present I chose for myself from my sister this year. (Thanks, Kathy!)

It's the first book in a looong serialization about the Trojan war. The series is called Age Of Bronze, and it is extremely cool. I eagerly await future volumes, and I'm not even finished with the first one yet.

I'm rather big on Greek history and Greek mythology lately, so this is right up my alley. I like it a lot so far - it's quite character driven and complex.

In other comics news, I happened upon something amazingly suited to me called Girl Genius at the Half Price Books location that is magically specially tuned to my particular thoughtstreams (more details on this some other time).

At the end of the bin, one of the individual episodes caught my eye with its title, and within a couple seconds of looking at it, I knew I had to have it. Later, I found the compilation book I linked to above at the comic store, and I just love it! I can't wait for more stuff to come out. I even want the schwag from the publisher's website, especially the license plate frame from Transylvania Polygnostic University that reads "Know Enough To Be Afraid".

Damn, I like their style! :) I'm going to have to get signed up at the comic book shop across the road to get all the new issues as they come out, something I've never done before.

The other book I'm actively reading now is called The Giver, and I found it in the young adult section of the bookstore when I was there on Tuesday with Elena and her grandmother.

Sometimes young adult books are way cooler than adult books :). Anyhow, it's quite fascinating, I like it. It's also a quick read, which is a plus. And if I like it enough, it goes into Elena's library for future reading.

[ consume good ] 2002-09-25
Cool! Replacement ring is available: and it's only twenty bucks, just like the other one I got so long ago. Spiffy. I gotta make sure of my current size before I buy it, though.

I think I'll go for the bar style instead of the open style that I used to have. My heart is closed now - I got the one I want now :). And he treats me right, besides.

[ random thoughts ] 2002-09-24
I asked for my ring back: Last year I gave a very special ring of mine to someone. I gave it to him because I felt very strong fond feelings for him, but he never reciprocated. I asked for it back in email, and he didn't even deign to respond.

Asshole.

So I just now emailed his wife. Perhaps she can persuade him to send it back. It's just a little ring, not worth much. But it's worth the world to me. And he didn't even want me anyway, well, not further than he could use me.

We'll see how it goes. I have a tool of persuasion called Truth that I'm indicating I'm willing to use should it become necessary. I hope it doesn't go that far though.

[ good ] 2002-09-24
Turn-around: Okay, here's the deal. I was talking through instant message chat to an old friend who mentioned that he was jokingly telling another friend of his to post a profile on a certain matchmaking website.

On a lark, for fun and amusement, I decided to do the same. I filled it out seriously, asking for what I really wanted in a man. I didn't really expect any serious takers.

Well, color me surprised! I've met a great guy named Richard - I had to drive all the way out to Blanco this weekend to meet him, but boy oh boy he's worth it. Picture a knight in shining armor wearing the disguise of an ordinary guy. Or something like that.

So I won't get into detail, I'll just say I think he's got an excellent head on his shoulders, a good heart, and a pair of strong arms that makes me swoon :). And, most importantly, he treats me with respect and caring. And much goodness is growing between us.

In part because of how I feel about myself since I've met him (read: good), I feel a renewed energy and hope for landing a job, so that's what I'll focus on for now. The more I think about getting social security disability, the more I think I probably shouldn't try, because I probably won't get it and more so because it wouldn't be proper because I *can* work. I just need to work harder at looking for jobs for now.

I'll have some help from the Texas Rehabilitation Commission when I have my appointment with them on September 30th, so that will maybe give me the leg up I need to get started working again. I think it will be good for me.

And for the moment, I'm going to head out for a bike ride...

[ mental rants ] 2002-09-19
I thought it would be safe: to post about my life on my website, my very personal website. That I could reveal things about myself and my struggle against a crippling mental illness and that I would maybe get a little feedback here and there from people nice enough to offer a little alphabetical high-five to me once in awhile. I've gotten that, and I even have a very dedicated fan in Wes, whom I've never thanked properly and I want to take this opportunity to do so right now - thank you, Wes, for all your kind words through all my ups and downs. It really does help perk me up a bit when I'm feeling really low.

Anyway, I got a really nasty comment today that makes me wonder what I should do about it - should I turn off comments altogether, lest I get more like it?

Here's what they wrote:

Your illness is no excuse to sit around the house and do absolutely nothing. If you can sit around the house and write these long, drawn-out logs of your pathetic life then you can most certainly get a part time job and show up every day.

How exactly can you afford to live if you don't work? You need aggressive psychotherapy along with youre medication. The fact that you are so close to total poverty is a clear indication that you have severe problems. Also, you appear addicted to living your life on the net. This is again another indication that you are psycho and may need hospitalization.

I urge you to check yourself into a mental institution ASAP.

Hey, I may be crazy and lazy, but at least I'm not mean. I don't go around reading people's personal sites where they very bravely speak publicly about a struggle with mental illness and then castigate them and tell them what to do.

I tell you what, I'd rather have a mental illness than a moral ailment like the person who posted this comment. What a total jerk!

You know what? You have no idea what it's like inside my head, and how difficult it is for me to do certain things. When I could work, I did work. I continue to submit applications and resumes, and I continue to never get a single call back. This is my fault?

I'm still trying. I don't want to be a drain on society, okay? And no offense but you can stuff it with this "addicted to living [my] life on the net" crap - I log in for maybe an hour a day, tops. That hardly counts.

I can hardly believe I got such a shitty comment on a post that was even *positive*, talking about how I went and exercised and got my ass moving.

What is this supposed to teach me about human nature? That some people are just assholes and beyond redemption? Well, beyond redemption I dunno about, but an asshole is something I know about - and this person clearly is one.

I'm crazy, but what's their excuse?

Hey, at least I can get medication for being crazy. I dunno what they can do for assholes.

[ body good mental ] 2002-09-17
Some promising signs: First, I went and exercised yesterday. Yea me! I got this really lovely green milk crate from David, and I attached it to the rack on the back of my bike with a little locking chain, so not only is it on there quite firmly, but it will be just that much harder for someone to steal. I still need to secure it even more firmly with zip ties, and clean it up a bit, though. It had been sitting outside on the ground for months or years, and has some snails attached to it, even. Dang, I should go take pictures so you can see what I mean.

Anyway, I pumped the tires up full of air and rode to the mailbox to get the mail, then I rode all the way to the big park and back, a journey of maybe a mile and a half all told. Then I got my bodyboard, my new swim fins, and my new swimming suit and went swimming at the park (I drove in my car). I had a lot of fun, and tired myself out quite thoroughly, I'm happy to say. This is what I need to do to lose weight and get in shape.

In the past year, partly due to my listlessness which caused me not to exercise, and partly due to one of my medications, depakote, which causes carbohydrate cravings, I have gained about fifty pounds. So I have a lot to shed!

It felt really good to be out and moving around. I hope I can keep it up, at least at a cursory level. I'm lucky in that my body usually responds really well to exercise and I get in shape quickly. I'm really looking forward to the day when my legs no longer rub together. That's the only reason why I'm not going on huge long walks, which is one of the things I intend to do later on.

I dropped off another application, to Jack In The Box nearby. We'll see if they call. Pizza Hut didn't. Feh.

I've decided to apply for social security disability, and I'll talk more about this later, but for now here's the gist: I can't work because of my disease - I simply fail to complete my duties, fail to keep showing up, and so on. In the past eighteen months I have worked twice, and the longer job only lasted about a week. Plus, I'm basically unhireable. Anyway, I think I have a decent chance of getting benefits, so today I'm driving up to Round Rock to the Social Security office to start the application process. It takes a long time, so we'll see how it goes. I can appeal if they refuse me the first time around.

I think I am going to have to sell my car. This makes me quite sad, but I can't afford to keep her. Her name is Bettina, by the way. I decided that a few weeks ago. She's served me well. She's my first car. Who knows, she may be my last, too. There's no way I can come up with enough money for basic survival *and* upkeep of a car. It just ain't gonna happen. If I get decent social security disability benefits, I may be able to afford a simple little car later on, but I kinda doubt it.

I ran into a friend from Lotus at a book sale this past weekend, and now I'm in contact with her again. Yea me! She's really nice, and has a little daughter now. She and her husband are active with the local Mensa group (no they're not elitists or anything, they're very down to earth), and she invited me to one of their get-togethers this Thursday. So that should be fun.

I also called up my old boss from Lotus, a lady named Peggy who was also my good friend. We never did much together except talk in her office, but we really connected and we haven't talked in years. She recommended the doctor I used for Elena's birth, and she was even there at the birth, helping Spencer comfort me. So I have a big connection with her there, too. She actually lives in the same neighborhood, too!

So I talked to Peggy and it was great, but she was busy so we kept it short (she's got three kids). I told her to call me when she can and we'll figure out a time to meet in person and catch up on what's been happening with each of us. I think reconnecting with her will be a Great Thing, even above a Good Thing.

So that's what's up. I'm feeling kind of sad that I'm abandoning the idea of productive work for the time being, but I *am* really sick in the head and even if I could get a job (but I can't), it would be irresponsible of me to sign up for that kind of commitment that I'm not sure I could live up to. I think I need to prove I can successfully volunteer for awhile, keep a schedule and continue showing up to something for some time before I can really even get a job.

Anyhoo, I gotta get going today, though I am going to wait until after the rush hour traffic calms down.

Have fun, peoples.

[ mental ] 2002-09-15
Blah. Yes I'm here and doing okay. My car insurance runs out in five days. Whee!

So I might make a little trip up to Marble Falls or something, I dunno. I've never seen the place, but I hear it's nice.

I'm backburnering the dog idea. I need to be more stable for at least a couple months before I do such a thing. Also, I'm rapidly approaching ramen-eating poor again, so I gotta watch the pennies.

Maybe I should start trying to sell cafepress t-shirts with obnoxious slogans that I come up with. Yeah, that sounds like a *great* idea! :)

We'll see if I actually follow through. I'm settling back into a less... well, manic mode lately. I hope I don't descend into utter listlessness again.

Bah, humbug.

[ mental rants ] 2002-09-11
Just wanna say thanks: to all the very nice people who have been offering supportive comments to me here and stuff. I just want to say that I hear ya and appreciate it muchly and so forth.

I'm busy in meatspace lately, getting things done since I finally have the impetus to do them. I'll do more netstuff when things settle down a bit. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my lawyer, and the next day I have an appointment with my psych nurse and then I get to see my daughter in the evening.

I need to get a job, and I'm also in the process of figuring out the logistics of getting a dog, to help against the paranoia that still vexes me. It's bad at night when I'm alone and it's dark out - my mind has various irrational fears lurking at the corners and it feels quite unpleasant and makes it very difficult to sleep.

The company of a doggy will be very helpful, I think (and yes, I am aware of the serious and deep commitment this entails, so please don't send me comments warning me that I might fail - I know already and reminding me just makes me feel even more like nobody believes in me, which hurts a lot since it's so difficult for me to believe in myself, especially lately. But dangit I do believe in myself, even if I'm a messed up broken person I still have my dignity and I know I still deserve another chance at happiness, and I will probably keep thinking that until I die (which I hope is a long way off and after a long happy rest-of-my-life)).

So I would like to get a female dog, probably. I might call her Kiva. I'm still mulling over names.

There's a song that I'm writing, that came to me spontaneously as I was driving a few weeks ago, and today I picked out some of the notes of it on my actual keyboard, and this pleased me much since I don't have all that much musical talent to speak of, or at least it hasn't been something I've worked to develop, though I did play the clarinet briefly and the trumpet for awhile in elementary school.

Yes, I'm having fun with the run-on sentence thing. Do it ridiculously muchly enough and it becomes an art form :).

Last night I watched cartoons when I couldn't sleep. Tonight I may do some of the same, and play solitaire on my laptop.

All ye who are not like me, be thankful. For mine is a twisted, difficult path and I would so much want to live like I did as a "normal" person for awhile, working in a job and making enough money to survive on.

Most of the people I know look at me and think that the jobless life must be one big long party or something, or that I'm just shiftless and lazy or something - I don't know what they think, I just know that they think it's my fault.

And no offense, but that's a load of crap. I had a genetic predisposition to mental illness, that was set off by unfortunate events when I was little, exacerbated by high intelligence and extreme innate emotional sensitivity. I have busted my ass to try to make my way in this messed-up world but guess what - I need help, I'm broken, it ain't working.

If I sound defensive, it's because I am. I feel like very few people really get where I'm coming from or can even imagine it, or even bother to try. I feel like maybe a handful of people are on my side, and even at that only partially.

But dammit, I am on my side, and if I get a dog, she will be on my side too. And that counts for a lot more than you might think.

[ mental ] 2002-09-09
Feeling a bit better: More or less. We'll see how much sleep I get tonight. I'm going to go read A Pattern Language and dream of my city.

You know, sometimes it just makes me sad, the fact that I think this world would be a much better place if I weren't so broken. If my mind worked right, if I could follow through on the things I started and dreamed of...

...oh, I would show you such wonders that you would weep. You really would weep with joy at the beauty of it.

Instead here I am, struggling to do my best imitation of a person who is independent. I don't know how well I'll do with this particular foray, but at least I'm still trying.

Maybe someday I'll give up, but not yet. Hey, anyone know of any homes for stray crazy dreamers like me? They got 'em for animals, so I figure somewhere maybe someone's got a place where someone like me would be welcome. I hope so.

[ mental ] 2002-09-06
I had to go to the hospital again: But I'm feeling better now. They readjusted my meds and stuff, and I feel ... well, worlds better.

I had a real bad panic attack the other night, and well I'll tell the whole story later. What's important is that I'm doing well now.

Sometimes being partly crazy is very difficult to deal with. And sometimes it can be downright horrific. :(

But I'm doing well. Time to go sleep, then tomorrow I should get to see Elena. :)

Addendum and clarification:

I just want to be clear that no one was physically hurt, including me. The situation which caused me to need to go to the hospital was a very bad panic attack-type thing. I felt such a great fear and terror in my heart...

At no time was I anywhere near thinking of harming anyone or anything, including myself. I just wanted to be super crystal clear about that, in case any of you were worried about it.

[ movies random thoughts ] 2002-09-03
Today is a fresh day: Some days just feel that way. I feel... cleansed, emotionally, in a certain fashion. A bit energetic, ready to face new projects and that kind of thing.

But first - some fun. I'm going to go to the movies, dangit. Because I want to, that's why. Because I'm an adult and I can and who knows if I'm going to be hit by a bus tomorrow anyway? (or today for that matter - I sure hope not).

I'm also going to go pay off my library fines, because I've got that hanging over my head and lord knows that librarians can be really powerful and dangerous when upset. They are truly a force to be reckoned with, as Michael Moore found out (his book went from about-to-be-pulped to the ny-times-best-seller-list once the librarians heard about it).

Anyhow, I'd better get going, I've got a date with the silver screen...