None of the Above

[ people ] 2004-08-22
Chinese cop kills kidnapper: This story is impressive, and the pictures are amazing. As one of my friends put it, he takes the guy out "John Woo-style".

[ humor ] 2004-08-16
This is why I love quonsar: As he said at metafilter recently:

steve, let me explain something to you: nobody at all gives a flying fuck about john kerry. no matter how bad he is, no matter if he sat out vietnam stoned on heroin, if he fucks goats for sport, lies about his dick size, whatever. you won't change anyones mind by running down kerry - most of us lefties would vote for an inanimate carbon rod over george bush. why waste your breath?

[ sick and wrong ] 2004-08-03
Inspections? No way: I am intrigued to hear that the US now opposes inspections and verification in a treaty that is designed to ban production of highly enriched uranium and plutonium for nuclear weapons.

I mean, how boneheaded can you get? What can I really say about this, except blah blah double standard blah blah idiotic etc etc.

Administration officials declined to explain in detail how they believed U.S. security would be harmed by creating a plan to monitor the treaty.

Arms-control specialists reacted negatively, saying the change in U.S. position will dramatically weaken any treaty and make it harder to prevent nuclear materials from falling into the hands of terrorists.

[ sick and wrong ] 2004-08-03
Spyware vexes me: I downloaded something from suprnova.org and got hellacious bunches of spyware and adware. Ugh! So I ran ad-aware a few times (one time there were 300 items, and I had to click the little checkbox for each one individually - those buggers make it annoying like that to try to get you to pay for the full version, heh), and finally got rid of it. Well, most of it. I still get pop-ups but not very frequently, so for now I am just dealing.

I guess I'm experiencing outrage fatigue because I just don't have the energy to get as pissed off as I should be. My outrage gland has run out of juice.

[ movies ] 2004-08-02
I have seen a bunch of movies lately: mostly from bittorrent, but some from netflix. And I actually made it to the theater to see Fahrenheit 9/11. Here are some notable ones that come to mind:

• Dreamkeeper - A Native American story with a whole bunch of smaller stories in it. Very nicely done, very good movie. Great special effects, imho. I never heard of this movie til I saw it on bittorrent.
• Lilja 4-Ever - A sad tale of a Russian girl who is abandoned by her mother and ends up as a sex slave. Watching this movie made me want to go out and castrate any man who has ever paid for sex. Just so we can breed these fuckers out of the gene pool once and for all. Ugh.
• The Butterfly Effect - Pseudo-time travel movie with dark overtones and a sad but fitting ending. I liked it, and I have to say I was impressed with Ashton Kutcher, which totally surprised me. I have to give him his due - he did quite well in this one.
• Donnie Darko - Weird, weird movie. That damn bunny creeped me the fuck out as I watched it alone at night. (Did I mention I tend to get really paranoid at night?)
• Elf - Disappointing. I had expected to laugh at Will Ferrell, but I don't think I laughed once watching this movie. Instead, I winced and waited for it to be over.
• Capturing the Friedmans - Very good and very sad. It's amazing how you get to watch this family implode, all through their own footage.
• Mr. Death - Disappointing. It droned on and on. If I had to watch one more minute of someone chiseling at a wall, I think I would probably scream.
• Monster - Disturbing. Charlize Theron is amazing in this one.
• Kids - Depressing as I thought it would be. Also, creepy.
• Hatley High - Silly tale of extreme chess at a high school completely devoted to the game. In this movie, the cool kids play D&D, and the most attractive girl is the DM. Heh. Had to suspend quite a bit of disbelief for that one.
• Cold Mountain - I didn't watch more than about a minute out of the middle of this, but that was enough. I don't like to see depictions of extreme cruelty and torture. That shit rattles around in my head and haunts me and bothers me long afterwards. Ugh.
• City of God - Surprising. I didn't realize it was mostly about a gang war, and set in the past. I had thought it was more of a slice-of-life in modern-day Brazilian slums sort of thing. Anyway, it was all right. Quite violent.
• Spiderman 2 - Pretty good. A little weird in places though.
• The Bourne Identity - All right I guess. If you want to see Matt Damon as a total badass, this is your film.
• The Village - Man I am glad I didn't pay money to see this thing. Weird, with the "aw, man!" twist at the end. Heh.
• Man on Fire - Very good. Denzel is quite the badass in this one, and Dakota Fanning as the little girl is quite incredible.
• Hidalgo - Cute. Aragorn as a Wild West type. Heh.
• Shadow of Fear - Lame. Steer clear of this one.
• Immortal - Quite possibly the oddest movie I have ever seen. Truly bizarre. If you want to see Egyptian gods in a futuristic setting, this is your movie.
• Riddick - I liked this a lot. Very nicely done ending, imho. If you like women who are total badasses, there is a beautiful one in this movie.
• Home on the Range - Meh. I didn't like the very angular way the animals were drawn, and Roseanne wasn't that great. Disney can do and has done so much better.
• Touching the Void - Holy shit, some people are really built tough. I totally would have given up, but this guy manages to survive. Truly grueling. Yow.
• Mystic River - Ugh.
• 21 Grams - Good, wrenching. Sean Penn is good.
• Girl with a Pearl Earring - Nice period piece. I liked it.
• Osama - Good, but depressing. I am glad I don't live in Afghanistan.
• Children of Heaven - Cute Iranian movie. The child actors in this one are incredible. Good one.
• Pieces of April - Charming, I liked it.
• Antwone Fisher - Good, disturbing. True story.
• Timeline - Entertaining enough I suppose.
• Elephant - Waste. Of. Time. I want back the time I spent watching this movie, because it was totally useless. It's like 99.3% watching people walk from point A to point B.
• House of Sand and Fog - Bummersville. Good though. Some jackass ruined the ending for me though. Thanks, dickhead.
• Master and Commander - Charming. The blond boy totally steals the show. He's great and a lot of fun to watch.
• The Good Thief - Cute and fun. I liked it.
• The Italian Job - Good. About what I expected.

Okay, that's quite a list. I think that's enough for now.

[ mental ] 2004-08-02
Mental update: Okay first of all I just have to say that before when I blogged about what was going on in my head, I got some flak from at least one person about that not being very interesting. With all due respect: bite me. I write about it because it makes me feel a little bit better, and who knows, some people might actually care. If you don't like the "mental" category of entries, then SKIP IT. Don't grouse at me about it. I'm not making you read anything.

Ahem.

Anyway, things have been getting more stable lately. I was on quite a downward slide there for awhile, though it was slow. That would be November through about March. Then things got terrible.

See, my psychiatrist had this completely ludicrous idea that she would decrease the dose of one of my antidepressants, because it might have a "paradoxical effect" and actually improve my mood. For some stupid reason I bought this, though I was skeptical.

Well, disaster ensued. I got quite miserable and suicidal, and some days I just couldn't bring myself to even go to work. I just stayed in bed. It was horrible. I wanted to die.

So finally, I go back to her and she puts my dosage back where it had been. Well, it took months before I felt okay again. Ugh.

Lesson learned: if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I'm doing pretty well lately. I think getting a new car given to me out of the blue has definitely improved my mood. Though there are still some toroubling things. I have gotten messier and I shower less often (that trend happened January through now), but recently that has been getting a bit better. I still need to clean the whole apartment. I made some strides by cleaning the bathroom with Elena before she left (I bought her a Scooby Doo DVD to thank her for helping me so much with such a yucky job), and the other day I did like four loads of laundry.

One of these days, I'll have this place clean. Then I can bring over more stuff from Chris's house. I'm surprised he hasn't just made a big bonfire of my stuff yet. He will probably start pestering me soon if I don't bring a few carloads down, but frankly I have nowhere to put the stuff yet. Ugh.

I have serious stuff "issues", and I need to go on a donating spree and get rid of huge swaths of it.

Back to my head. I had been seeing a counselor, and I guess I need to get back with her. She says I have like four sessions left. She's nice, but she talks about herself a bit too much. It's a little annoying. I guess I have to work harder at steering the conversation to myself or something.

I keep getting headaches lately. I don't know what the deal is, but this has been going on for a few months. I never used to be the kind of person who got headaches, but now it's just about every day. Argh. So I keep poppin' the ibuprofen, which seems to help.

I still have trouble getting to sleep at night. And dammit, I ran out of benadryl. I had a bottle of 100 of those things, and I managed to go through the whole thing! (Don't worry, I never took more than 3 in a given day, and certainly not every day.)

Anyway, I think once I get a job I'll feel even better. The loneliness thing is really grating on me lately, so I have to confess, today I actually posted a personal ad. No, I'm not going to say where it is. But anyway, we'll see if anything comes of it. I am quite wary - I took some time off from dating starting last September, after two disastrous relationships in a row. But I think I might be ready to meet someone new. I dunno.

I guess that's it for now...

[ mammalog ] 2004-08-02
Elena called today: I woke up to hear the phone ring, and it was Elena. She is in the middle of her two-week visit to Montana with her dad. It was odd, she sounded so grown-up on the phone. Whenever she goes to Montana, she seems so much more advanced when she comes back.

She was totally sweet on the phone. She said "Mommy, I wish you could come with us" which kinda broke my heart. Poor kid. Anyhow, I will be picking them up at the airport next Saturday night. I can hardly wait! I think I will get a few balloons before I go there, just as a little treat for her. I gotta watch my spending, but three balloons won't kill me. Plus it will make me totally easy to spot in the airport. I really want to see her face light up when she sees me!

[ good ] 2004-08-01
Meet "Denty": I have a new car! Well, new to me, anyway. Here's the story: my mom called me up one day out of the blue and offered to give me her Durango when she pays it off. A few days later, after having talked with my brother, she offers me another option: a 1999 Mazda 626 that my brother's coworker was selling. I said "sure", they bought it for me, and I flew out to Denver to pick it up.

Now, the car was bought while I still worked at the IRS, and I had to wait to go pick it up until they were done with me. About a week after they bought it, I wrecked my Honda by rear-ending a very nice lady in a Toyota 4-Runner at a stoplight.

It was totally my fault. I was coming up behind her, slowing down. Then I looked away at a church I had never noticed before, and I thought how nice it looked. Then I looked up, and I realized I had to brake hard, immediately. However, the pavement was wet, so my brakes locked and I slid (slowly) into her. Doh! All it did was dent her bumper, however. The main thing was that she wasn't hurt. Thank goodness. I would have had a very hard time forgiving myself if she had been harmed. I ended up with a bruise on my knee from the dashboard, but it was really nothing.

I had been planning to sell the Honda, but it would have cost more to make it road-worthy (it had hardly been damaged, but I managed to bust the radiator) than I could have gotten selling it, so I ended up just signing it over to the wrecker. Alas. Here is what it looked like:

I did, however, keep the little Honda symbol from the center of the steering wheel, and I keep it in a little dash compartment in my new car. I was sad to see that car go - it served my family well for fifteen years. First my mother, then my brother, and then me. It was my first car. And it had 235k miles on it.

Anyhow, my old Honda Accord had a dent in one of the front doors (that I never fixed). My mom's Durango has a dented door. And the Mazda I was given has a dented door. So, it seems I am fated to have a car with a dented door. This doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact, I am thinking of calling my new car "Denty". Here is what it looks like (notice how subtle the dent is):

[ rants ] 2004-08-01
RIP, dear camcorder: I was all set to get a whole bunch of transferring of video done, and it turns out my camcorder is busted. I think it got broken when Elena knocked it over. I had it on its tripod by the dining room table, and Elena was jumping from the table to the futon, and caught it with her foot.

Damn. I wish she didn't break my stuff. That's the second expensive piece of equipment she has wrecked. I also had a nice laptop that met its demise when she spilled a drink on it. Sigh. I guess I'll have to be more careful.

[ work ] 2004-08-01
Unemployment sucks: I hate being unemployed. The IRS let me go at the end of June, and I've sort of been floating for the past month. But now I've got to really buckle down and get into an application frenzy, because I'm seriously running low on funds.

Thank goodness I get UI benefits, however. The amount I get pays for most of my rent, all but $32. But my other bills, especially electricity and car insurance, are pretty significant.

My mom has said she would help me out if I get in dire straits, but I really hate asking for help. I feel like I should be an adult by now (my 32nd birthday is in two days), and I should by all rights be able to take care of myself. My mom is very cool about the whole situation, she is quite supportive. So I am lucky there. Let's hope I don't actually have to take her up on her offer of assistance.

I have an interview on Tuesday, with the Texas Department of Public Safety. I've applied there numerous times before, and gotten about seven interviews over the years. It's always a 3-person panel, handled in a very formulaic way (and very professional).

This time when I took the DPS typing test, I got 82 words per minute. I think that's the highest I've ever tested. Woo, me!

I have tons of jobs to apply for, so I am just going to go nuts tomorrow. I mailed off three applications today. Small victories: I found the post office quite readily. My good sense of direction steered me exactly the way I needed to go. The post office isn't even very far away. I think I will be making a lot more trips there in the near future.

Tomorrow, I have to go sell some books. That's right, I am selling books. I can hardly believe it. I mean, I used to feel such fondness for my books, but finally, having to lug them to and fro, I have realized they are a huge boat anchor. I set up my bookshelves in the living room, with the tv, vcr/dvd player, xbox, gamecube, media, and several shelves of Elena's stuff, so there simply isn't room left for all my books anymore. So I went through in a very harsh manner, asking myself honestly whether I wanted to read each book again. I ended up with four boxes worth that must go.

It's kind of sad - reading used to mean so much to me, but now it's something I only do occasionally. I should be shocked and horrified at this, but for some reason I am unmoved. It's just how things have ended up. I do most of my reading on the internet now, keeping up with current events. I did get a book recently though, Word Freak, when I was in Denver a few weeks ago. That was enjoyable.

[ my site ] 2004-08-01
I've been asked to blog again: Quite nicely, even. The word "please" was used, as was flattery of my previous material. So I think I will give it a go. Not promising anything big, just saying that I'm willing to make an effort.

I have missed blogging, and I hope I can get back into it. It might take me awhile to get back into the habit, however. Hopefully the people who used to enjoy my log will come back, but I am not holding my breath.

[ sick and wrong ] 2004-08-01
Another one lost: So I read in the NYTimes about this Chinese fellow named Qingming, who couldn't afford the school fees required to be paid before he could take the college entrance exam. He was a top student, but in rural China his family was just barely scraping by.

So he stepped in front of a train.

I mean, I can see why. It's horribly tragic, but I can't help but in a small way applaud him for sending his big "Fuck You" to the world. (Okay, people will definitely think I'm nuts for saying that.)

The world needs more people like him, but instead they are ground down until they just can't take it anymore. As a species, we are so far from what we could be that it just makes me heartsick every damned day. Everywhere I turn there is another reason to be sickened and dismayed.

I am tired of feeling this way.

Anyway, here are some quotes from Qingming that I will hold dear. The kid sure had a good head on his shoulders. He is sorely missed.

Do not toady to those above. Do not flatter the rich. Do not cheat the poor. Make way for a new generation.

We must extend our helping hand to any innocent underdog. Only by so doing can that person find a footing in society.

Peace be to you, Qingming.